As our Tirade 4th Year Anniversary Month rages on, I thought it might be nice to write about friendship. Everybody knows all the usual stuff... the timelessness and love and sharing and all that jazz. But I'm not talking about that kind of friendship. No, I'm talking about the friendship between giant elephants and dogs. Between pit bulls, Siamese cats and tiny chickens. Between snakes and hamsters. Between a freakin' white rhino and a billy goat.
While this sounds like a rejected Disney movie script found in a dumpster behind the J.C. Penney, let me assure you that it's not. Even I can't make this stuff up, bud. And I make up some pretty ridiculous shit.
All the team-ups above and 43 other wacky animal relationships can be found in a new book called "Unlikely Friendships" by Jennifer S. Holland.
Check out this cover:
Yeah. That's a monkey clutching a bird like I clutch an ice-cold Bud Light in the middle of July. Seriously, that monkey has a white-knuckle grip on that bird like it's about to fly to freakin' Mars. No, really... that bird has every intention of flying into space... and that monkey is only holding it back.
Hasn't that monkey ever heard the expression, "if you love something, let it go?" I know it's hard to let go of your friend, but when your buddy has his sights set on perching his razor-sharp talons on some radioactive moon rock, you gotta respect his wishes.
Really... what do you think that monkey could ever say to talk that bird into not hauling balls into deep space? The look of determination on the bird's face says it all. It's a look that says, "we shared a friendship that will be echoed in eternity, but now it's time to get it on with hundreds of space alien birds beyond the stars."
Will he make it, readers? Will that monkey ever find a friend as compassionate and empathetic as that space astronaut pigeon? We'll never know, guys. We'll never know.
Anyway, this book will melt your brains like a bored 10-year-old boy scorches ants with a magnifying glass. The photography is simply unbelievable, and the stories behind the photos are all mind numbing.
Jennifer Holland better buckle up, because when this book hits the shelves with a vengeance, Pixar or Dreamworks or one of those Hollywood studios will be smashing through her doors and windows like a renegade SWAT team. They won't even need a warrant signed by a judge. Seriously. Holland is going to be enjoying a nice glass of wine, opening fan letters and watching some Wonder Years reruns when the Hollywood executives splinter her door open like Paul Bunyan turns a 50-foot-tall redwood tree into freakin' sawdust.
Let me put it this way: there's a chapter in here about a red panda sucking on the teets of a hilarious-looking dog. Seriously, this dog is your classic Heinz 57 kind of animal. Who knows what the hell kind of breed it is? Either way, there's a red panda attached to its boobs like a runaway vacuum cleaner sucking the hell out of a tattered Egyptian rug.
There's another story about a blind mutt who has his very own seeing-eye cat. If that isn't the makings of an award-winning cartoon mystery show, I don't know what is. I'll tell you what else: you'd cry at the end of every episode. And if you don't, you're not even human.
One of my very favorite chapters, however, is the massive skull-crushing gorilla and the tiny newborn kitten. Just looking at the photos of this dynamic duo will inspire you to not only befriend every gorilla you've ever met, but also take a firm stance on not savagely biting the head off of every kitten you've ever held.
Every chapter has detailed stories behind these nature-slapping animal mash-ups, and even little infographics about how each species compares to each other. The only thing missing is a handy chart explaining what would happen if the animals moved in together in a small New York apartment on the East side. We're talking some serious Emmy-award-winning stuff here, people.
Everything would be going great between Kyle, the asiatic black bear and Eddie, the black house cat, when Eddie accidentally leaves his half-full, opened milk carton behind the TV after adjusting the cable on the X-Box one night. Can you imagine how bad that apartment would be smelling after a solid week in August? And you know Kyle would be all penny-pinching and not turn on the air conditioning. It takes forever to get a smell like that out of there.
What about when Sheena, the optimistic & sheltered cocker spaniel from the South, is thrown together with "Coach" Paul Featherstone, the sharp-tounged, hard-headed & pessimistic owl from the Bronx? You see a sure-fire recipe for disaster... I see two roommates, a zany rhino landlord and next-door-neighbor honeybadger who'll last for six straight seasons on network and a solid seven years in syndication.
In closing, I highly recommend this book. The photography is unbelievable and the stories will bring tears to your eyes and a sparkle to your heart. If you're into that sort of thing. If you're not, consider ordering this book instead for a nice Sunday read.
Besides, who the hell wouldn't want a picture of a baby monkey steel-gripping a space pigeon on your coffee table?
-M
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